Healthy Families and Communication
Probably the most difficult problem in a marriage and also in the home to address is the problem of ineffective communication. With the many other causes of divorce, for instance, you can turn to an action or something tangible that has led to the ultimate demise of the marriage. With communication , or the lack thereof, it is hard to define because of the many different ways that people communicate and equally as many ways as people receive that communication. One person may feel that they are a great communicator. However, in the midst of problems, stresses and adversity, the receiver of that “great communication” may not be getting the message because of the disposition that they are in at the moment. It’s like turning on the radio in your car. As you turn the tuner to get to your favorite station, some stations are very clear; others you cannot hear at all. Some you can barely hear because of static or interference. However, all stations, at their respective sources, are clear. It’s where you are at, in the moment that determines what stations you can hear clearly and what stations you cannot hear clearly.
Communication in the Home
In the home, everyone communicates! The styles are different. Men oftentimes communicate differently than women and visa versa. Parents, oftentimes have a different communication style than the children … and visa versa. Sometimes, just as with the car radio, we hear what we prefer. Even if there is only one station, depending on where we are at will depend on what type of reception that we get. A husband may want to communicate an issue with his wife upon his return home from work. Depending on her day, she may be tuned in or, because she has so many things from the day on her mind, he is speaking but she may not be receiving. She might be receiving the emotion but not listening to the real issue. How many times has a wife been upset with her husband when she wants to tell him about a problem that she may be dealing with and the husband automatically goes into fix it mode. He is hearing but his intention is to move automatically to fixing her problem. She doesn’t want a “fix it” response. She just wants someone to listen to her heart.
Parents of young children oftentimes have an easier time communicating their wishes than parents of teenage children. It may be the same “message.” However, adolescence has a way of creating interference. Young adults sometimes have problems with communication with their parents because of the expectations of both sides. The young adult expects the parent to communicate in a style that shows mutual respect. The parent may have a difficult time because they still see the child as a child. The parent may want that young adult to respect them as elders. However, the young adult, because of a multiplicity of issues, may not see their parents as deserving of that type of respect. Therefore, interference is created. Both sides may be speaking loudly but neither side is really receiving.
In the United States, ineffective communication is a leading cause for divorce. I submit that its not the effort being put forth in speaking that is the issue. There is much speaking that goes on today in the home. However, the issue is in the receiving or the lack thereof. That lack of receiving may be because of interference or static; and there are many things that can cause interference but at the top of the list is selfishness. Or it may be because one or both parties just might not be tuned-in; either willfully or not. But in either case, the end result is the same. If there is not both speaking and receiving, there is no true communication and the marriage along with the home are doomed to fail.
The Skill of Hearing
In any relationship, hearing is the more important skill to master in communication. The scripture says the following:
So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
Romans 10: 17
The context of this scripture is concerning salvation and what it takes for an individual to be saved. Paul is trying to instill in the Romans that this salvation cannot come by any other means than through Jesus Christ. The way to Jesus is through faith that is ministered through preaching to the hearer. In this scripture notice that the term ‘hear’ is used instead of ‘listen.’ There is a difference between hearing and listening. Hearing occurs without intentional effort. However, listening requires concentration so that the brain processes meaning from words and sentences. You cannot listen without first hearing. Its like finding the right station before you can listen to the music. The message that Paul was trying to get across to the Romans is that in order to obtain salvation you must desire to tune into Christ. Once you are tuned in then you can truly hear directly from Him. The messenger has the responsibility to preach the word. However, the receiver has the responsibility to have a heart that desires to be in tune or hear. Once we are “dialed-in” to the word, then we have the ability to intentionally listen to that still small voice.
When Elijah fled from Jezebel (1 Kings 19: 8-18) and he came to the cave, the word of the Lord “came to him.” He asked Elijah what he was doing there? Elijah responded and that same ‘Word of the Lord’ told him to go outside on the mountain as the Lord passed by. And as the Lord passed by there was a great wind then there was an earthquake and then there was a fire. The Lord was not in any of those natural occurrences. They were a mere response to His presence passing by. After all of those things occurring, there was a “still small voice.” The Lord asked Elijah the same question and Elijah responded the same way. The Lord then proceeded to give Elijah instruction. Elijah heard the voice of the Lord the first time. Afterwards, even-though there were all of these catastrophic conditions that occurred, or interference, Elijah stayed tuned into God. He heard and then he listened. He did not allow the interference to distract him from, again, being tuned-in. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God.
True Effective Communication
In order to effectively communicate in our homes, we must first have effective communication with God through Jesus Christ. Like Elijah of old, we must learn to hear through all of the interference and distractions that come our way. At that point, the style of communication is less important than the message that is received. Today’s interference is strong. In America, at this moment, the interference and distraction of political winds are sweeping through our nation, for example. Christian people are taking sides without regard of taking His side. Unlike Elijah, as those winds are passing by, we switch our focus from God to those political winds and we are missing out on that still small voice. There are other “natural disaster” that present themselves as well (Racism and bigotry; anarchy; pandemic; recession, fear, hedonism, etc.). I’m afraid that God is passing by and He may just keep going! He, again, still speaks in a still small voice. However, where is our position for hearing? Like Elijah, upon fleeing from Jezebel, we are separating ourselves and thinking that we are the only ones that are serving Him. However, God still has a church; He still has those that have not bowed themselves to idols or the idolatry of the world. For us to ensure that we are effectively communicating with God, both individually and in our homes, we must be in-tune and hearing for that still small voice – no matter what the circumstance; no matter what the enemy tries to throw our way. Our resolve needs to be to hear God even if there are winds, earthquakes and fires. It’s at that point that true listening begins and communication becomes effective.
Also read:
Healthy Families, Introduction
JEFF