Heathy Families: The Husbands Responsibility
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
Ephesians 5: 25-31
Going back to this chart that was introduced in Healthy Families: Introduction. As the two parent home shows a decline from 1960 to 2014, one has to ask the question who is responsible for this decline. The easy answer is to say that “it takes two.” One could also look at all of the changes in society and the issues that we have spoken about in the previous posts and correlate them directly with this decline. Both of those are appropriate answers. However, the true answer is that the responsibility for the decline in the home falls on men and in particular husbands. In God’s kingdom, men, and by extension, husbands hold the most prominent role in the home and therefore are the most responsible for it’s health and prosperity. We will address the women’s role and, in particular, the wife in the next post. This post does not diminish the woman in any way. Proverbs 31 gives a very descriptive account about the virtuous woman and the key role that she plays in the home (That chapter can also be used to describe the church and its role as the bride of Christ). However, Paul, in Ephesians 4: 23, calls the husband “the head of the wife.” What does that really mean? Oftentimes this statement is made in our assemblies and not very well explained. Are men to assume what “headship” is and just act accordingly? The term head implies lordship and in many people’s minds that implies authoritarianism.
We must be careful of our own literal interpretation of the scriptures. Peter, also, speaks of this hierarchy of the home in 1 Peter the 3rd chapter. He even goes on to liken a women’s subjection to Sara obeying Abraham and called him lord. If we just go by that, literally, it appears that the early church leaders were wanting men to take on an authoritarian role while women were to take on the role of being a “doormat.” I attended a wedding one time where the minister spoke on this very issue and gave that impression to the young couple and made it seem that this was the way to prosperity in the home. From his description, it appeared that the man “commanded” the home and that the women was only left to follow his command. Don’t get me wrong God does establish a hierarchy in the home. There is headship and there is submission. However, there is much more to this scripture in Ephesians that helps to describe how husbands and wives are to operate in the home; and when operating correctly a bond is formed that can weather the tests of time and help to combat the decline of the home in America.
Headship In Love
The word head used in Ephesians comes from the Greek word kephale. The word kephale is derived from the Greek word kapto which means seizing. What Paul was alluding to was not that a man automatically becomes the head by the mere fact that he is a man. But that, as a man, he needs to seize that headship or, in more practical terms, he needs to seize the responsibility of being the head. Again, that may sound very authoritative. However, in the context of the scripture, you have to ask the question, how does a man seize this headship? The answer is quite simple; through love. The corollary statement is “as Christ is the head of the church.” God sent his son to seize the headship of the church. Not through force, as some of the Jewish nation wanted at that time. Jesus seized or took hold of it through love. That love was manifested through his sacrifice – in his instance, Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice by dying on the cross. This sacrifice was love personified!
Paul told husbands to love their wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. This is what it truly means to be the head of the wife – to seize the position of love in her life that is manifested through sacrifice. This word love in the Greek is called agape.
Agape love is selfless. It’s focused not on what we want, but on what benefits the other person. And it expects nothing in return. It’s a deliberate decision to love someone even when they’re unlovable. Or even when you risk rejection.
– from Kingdom Bloggers, 3 Important Things Wives Need From Their Husbands
When a man gets married his focus has to change from himself to now being about “us.” His responsibility is to his wife and then, eventually, to his children. It can no longer be about spending his time with the ‘fellas’ exclusively. Golfing every week may have to change. Even the sole focus on career and making a living has to adjust. It’s not about my career. It needs to be about our home and how the career supports the direction of the home. The husband, also, needs to seize the responsibility of lifting up Christ before his wife and children. It’s not the Pastor’s responsibility for the spiritual well-being of the marriage and the home. The Pastor is not the head of the home. The husband is!! Pastors are to support the head by perfecting and edifying the body. They are a gift given from God; not a replacement of the husband’s responsibility.
The Vulnerability of Headship
In seizing this position, the husband not only places himself in a position of responsibility but also of vulnerability. There is a natural expectation that comes with this type of responsibility in that the husband needs to be able to take care of the many situations that happen in the home – even when he doesn’t have all of the answers. When the car breaks down; when the finances are low; when an unexpected illness comes; when a spiritual issue arises. The husband is looked upon to guide the home’s direction through the many turbulent water’s that they may face. But that guidance often comes with a lack of knowledge and understanding. No man knows everything! This is why God gave Eve to Adam. She was to be a help that was meet or provided for these very times. A husband cannot do everything by himself. If that was the case then why have a wife? The vulnerability, therefore is two-fold; when you don’t have the answer and; when you need to ask the wife for help! Does this sound like an authoritative position? On the contrary, when agape love is truly working, the husband shows true authority not by commanding it. Rather, he shows it by being responsible yet also sharing his vulnerabilities with his wife. Paul likens this to a husband loving his own body. The older I get the more this scripture makes sense. I know my body because I am as close as I can be to it. That includes every ache and pain. That also includes limitations and failures. Through all of that I am still to love my body. Christ is telling us as husbands to love our wives, through are own vulnerabilities, because she has them too and we can relate to hers because of our own. We will take care of her vulnerabilities just as we would take care of our own.
Cleaving Unto A Wife
The Christian home is one where each one has their place. However, they are working together for the betterment of the whole. A responsible husband has to leave father and mother. Again, just because he is a man does not mean he is automatically the head. There are many a men who find it hard to leave home and in particular his mother. He may even get married. However, mother, unfortunately, remains either an active or inactive partner in that marriage. Paul says that the man needs to leave that situation and cleave or be joined unto his wife … and not to her family. It is those two individuals who build the foundation of the home with Christ being the Chief Cornerstone. As partners together, they create an environment where love abounds and when children arrive they are taught through example because of the lives of Mom and Dad.
Unfortunately, this example of the home is becoming the exception not the rule. In Hispanic and African American homes, this is the exception (43% of Hispanic and 22% pf African American Homes are led by parents in their first marriage). In White American homes, this is barely the rule. 52% of White American homes are lead by parents in their first marriage. When including parents in subsequent marriage households, those numbers go to 55%, 31% and 71% respectively. It is time for men to seize their responsibility to stem the tide of decline in America. Not to get too political, however, there is a slogan that many people are rallying behind today in America, “Making America Great Again.” As an African American male, I do struggle with that statement based upon what it means (or rather doesn’t mean) historical to my community. However, if America ever wants to be great, men of all nationalities, races and creeds must rise up to the challenge that is set before us and that we do have control over. It’s not about a slogan. However, there is a higher call to action. Abraham Lincoln stated it best:
The strength of a nation lies in the homes of its people!
Men, let us rise to that challenge and seize the opportunity that Jesus Christ has granted us. No other man can do that for us!
Also read:
Healthy Families, Introduction
Healthy Families vs. The Sexual Revolution
JEFF